Chronicles5

THE MOUNT PERRY CHRONICLES 5
STORIES ABOUT LIFE IN MOUNT PERRY FLORIDA

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Here MOUNT PERRY Rises Majestically In Back Of
LAKE MOUNT PERRY.
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SKY MOUNT PERRY, FLORIDA, FOUNDATION

MOUNT PERRY CHRONICLES FIVE IS ALL WRITTEN BUT STILL NEEDS
TO BE PUBLISHED, HERE'S A SAMPLE CHAPTER.

EXCESS BODY WEIGHT
Copyright ©2003 Robert P. Herbst. All rights reserved.

By

Robert P. Herbst

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For years many people have complained about excess body weight jumping on them
without reason. They insist, “It isn’t my fault, I don’t eat that much and I have this
glandular condition.” They claim the excess body weight was hiding in wait just
around the corner in some dark place. When they reached the corner the body
weight simply jumped on them.
Indeed, in restaurants these people opt for green salads with non fat dressings on
them. How in the world would this make you fat unless the excess body weight was
hiding just around the corner and jumped on you as you pass by with a loud
"VROOM SPLUGCH!"
Naturally the noise alone would be a dead giveaway about what happened but none
of the people interviewed mentioned hearing any noise.
Naturally it couldn’t have been that secret gallon of ice cream or box of candy in a
plain brown paper bag. The manufacturers of such products assure us there is
nothing in their product that could possibly cause excess body weight to jump on
anyone.
Recently the Mount Perry Scientific Community has decided to investigate this
phenomenon and determine how to make this excess body weight leave without any
undue dieting or exercise. Secluding themselves deep in their think tank hundreds of
feet under the surrounding swamp, our boys went to work on the problem.
They were down there for nearly six months in total isolation and living on a rather
austere diet of prepackaged caned and freeze dried food. As a result, when they
emerged form their isolation not one of them had gained any weight. This led our
esteemed scientific community with three possibilities to consider.
1) Located hundreds of feet under the swamp in total seclusion and isolation. The
excess body weight couldn’t get to them and as a result could not jump on them.
This made good sense and many papers were written on this very subject.
A deep water isolation chamber was set up underwater a few miles off shore from
Creepon Beach and outfitted for extended stays in total isolation. The chambers
were set up with all the comforts of home so the subjects would not feel isolated but
right at home.
As part of this effort to keep the subjects happy during their stay, the chamber
refrigerator was well stocked with ice cream, candy and sweet soda pop.
TV was piped in through an underwater line along with telephone service and lots of
soap operas.
Large comfortable beds and sofas were provided for the subjects comfort.
The experiment was a dismal failure. Several of the subjects had to be covered in oil
and pulled out through the exit hatch with a crane.
Obviously, the excess body weight had found them in their hiding place and jumped
on them in spite of the scientists best efforts.
2) Another school of thought was, the body weight had been spirited into the
chamber by some nefarious foreign agent and released on the unsuspecting subjects
in the form of a gas or some chemical in the drinking water.
The air and water were carefully examined by several different agencies to make
absolutely sure nothing was missed. It was determined the air was pure and the
water had absolutely nothing in it that could possibly cause anyone to gain so much
weight in such a short period of time.
Long papers were written by proponents of this theory. Lengthy arguments between
the opposing factions began to develop and heated discussions lasted on into the wee
hours of the morning.
3) the last group insisted the subjects smuggled the excess body weight into the test
chamber with them. The clothing each subject wore into the test chamber was
carefully examined by forensic experts from several different departments for any
trace of excess body weight.
This was made easier by the fact the test subjects had all become so large nothing
they wore into the test chamber fit any more. It was a simple matter to simply go
through the chamber and pick up the discarded items.
These same people suggested the answer to the problem was to hide and wait just
around the corner until some skinny little thing walks by, "vroom splugch!" it
becomes her problem. Now the subject needs to run like Hell to prevent any danger
of a "!hcgulps moorv"
Several dozens of, — shall we say, healthy women, secreted themselves under
rigorously controlled conditions in the hallways of The Mount Perry Hospital
Psychiatric Ward, Profoundly Disturbed Wing, and when skinny patients passed by,
they would jump out at them screaming "VROOM SPLUGCH!"
There was no apparent transfer of excess body weight but there was a dramatic
increase in grossly disfiguring bodily injury occurrences among the test subjects, at
the Emergency Trauma Clinic.
Debated raged on into the night, fights broke out between the rival factions and the
Mount Perry Police were called in to keep the scientists from killing one another.
Volumes of printed material, both pro and con, spewed from the printers connected
to the various computers used in the analyses of the situation.
After months of hard work and arguments no definitive answer to the problem could
be found.
One day as he strolled by the scientists, Yodar Hoopelhoffer, the Mount Perry town
idiot who had a job sweeping the floors in the think tank, he happened to mention,
“Yall should take away all that ice cream and candy, then give those folks something
to do to keep them active.”
There was dead silence in the room for a moment or so until a voice way in the
back of the room was heard to say, “That’s Yodar Hoopelhoffer, the Mount Perry
town idiot, what the heck does he know about anything?”
The arguments started again, the police moved in to quell the violence and Yodar
moved on down the hallway with his broom, humming softly to himself.