"G" RATED JOKES

JOKES

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JOKES 2

FROM UNKNOWN E-MAIL SOURCES

Smarter Than You Think

There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The
owner didn't know what Johnny's problem was, but the other boys would constantly tease him.
They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a
barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a
dime, Johnny would always take the nickel -- they said, because it was bigger.
One day, after Johnny grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said, "Johnny,
those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know that the dime is worth more
than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"
Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face. Johnny said, "Well,
if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it. So far I've saved $20!"

*************************************************************

The population of this country is 25 million. 10 million are retired. ------ That leaves 15 million
to do the work.
There are 8 million in school, ------ which leaves 7 million to do the work.
Of this there are 2 million employed by the federal government, ------ leaving 5
million to do the work.
0.5 million are in the Armed Forces, ------ which leaves 4.5 million to do the
work.
Take from the total the 3,000,000 people who work for Provincial and Municipal,
governments, ------ and that leaves 1.5 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 820,000 people in hospitals, ------ leaving 680,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 679,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work. ------ You and me.
And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

*************************************************************

Two nuns went out of the convent to sell cookies. One of them is known as Sister
Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical(SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SL: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour?
SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is that we have to start walking faster.
SM: It is not working.
SL: Of course it is not working. The man did the only obvious thing to do. He started to walk
faster too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot
follow both of us.
So the man decided to go after Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and
is worried because Sister Logical has not yet arrived.
Finally, Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell us what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, so he followed me.
SM: So, what happened? Please tell us.
SL: The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast as I could.
SM: So what happened?
SL: The only logical thing to happen. The man also started to run as, as he could.
SM: And what else?
SL: The only logical thing to happen. He reached me.
SM: Oh, no! What did you do then?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister. What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants
down.
...................
Oh, and you thought it was a dirty joke.

*************************************************************

So many in Idaho
Four guys are driving cross-country together one from Idaho, one from Iowa, one
from Florida, and one from New York.
A bit down the road the man from Idaho starts to pull potatoes from his bag and throws them
out the window.
The man from Iowa turns to him and asks,"What the hell are you doing?"
The man from Idaho says, "Man, we have so many of these damned things in Idaho they're
laying around on the ground - I'm sick of looking at them!"
A few miles further down the road, the man from Iowa begins pulling ears of corn from his
bag and throwing them out the window.
The man from Florida asks "What are you doing that for?"
The man from Iowa replies,"Man, we have so many of these damned things in Iowa I'm sick
of looking at them!"
Inspired by the others, the man from Florida opens the car door and pushes the New Yorker
out.

*************************************************************

Classified Ad...New Lover

A woman who had been married twice and divorced twice was fed up. Her first husband beat
her, and her second husband ran away with another woman. Plus, she couldn't find a new
lover who could satisfy her sexually, so she put an ad in the classifieds:
Wanted: A good looking, single guy who won't beat me, won't leave me, and is good in bed.
About a week later, her doorbell rings. She opens the door to find a handsome man with no
arms and no legs on her front porch.
"I'm here about your ad," he says.
"You must be mistaken," she says.
"Let me explain," he says, "I can't beat you, I don't have any arms. And I can't run away,
because I don't have any legs."
"But" she asks, "How do I know you're good in bed?"
"I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

*************************************************************

The guy was waiting in line at the Pearly Gates for his chance to enter. The line was long and
there was an offer to go for a tour of Hell.
There were parties and gambling and women etc.
After returning from his tour he decided that he will not go to Heaven and chose Hell.
But you deserve the Heaven! You were always a good man!
You know! I think this is the problem! I have always been good, but I think I was missing a
lot!
So, he signs all the papers and goes to Hell. When he arrives he is thrown in the fire and being
subjected to all the horrors of the Hell!
He cries out: “But it was so nice before!”
NEVER mix the tourism with immigration!

*************************************************************

Final Exams

These four friends were so confident, the weekend before finals they decided to go up to the
University of Virginia and party with some friends. They had a great time. However, after all
the hearty drinking and partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke
until early Monday morning.
Rather than take the 100 point final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and
explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend
with the plan to come to study but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't
have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result they missed the final.
The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day.
The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time
the Professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test
booklet and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, worth only 5 points, something simple about free radical
formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room. "This is
going to be easy."
Each finished the problem, and then turned the page. On the second page was written: (For 95
points): Which tire?

*************************************************************

The Dog

A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral
procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second
long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman
walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the
dog and said "I am so sorry for your loss and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but
I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
The woman replied "Well, that first hearse is for my husband."
"What happened to him?" The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further,"Well, who is in the second hearse?"
"The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help
my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.
"Could I borrow that dog?"
......"Get in line."

*************************************************************

A young boy went up to his father and asked, "What is the difference between potentially and
realistically?"
The father answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a
million dollars. Also, ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Come back and tell me what you have learned."
So the boy went to his mother and said, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million
dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would!! I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."
The boy then went to his sister and said, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass
up that opportunity!!"
The boy pondered this for a bit and went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potential and realistic?"
The boy replied, "Yes, potentially we're sitting on two million dollars, but realistically we're
living with two sluts."

*************************************************************

IT WAS A SWELTERING AUGUST DAY...when the three Greenberg brothers entered the
posh Dearborn, Michigan offices of the notoriously anti-Semitic car maker, Henry Ford.
"Mr. Ford," announced Hyman Greenberg, the eldest of the three, "we have a remarkable
invention that will revolutionize the automobile industry."
Ford looked skeptical, but their threats to offer it to the competition kept his interest piqued.
Hi Greenberg continued, "We would like to demonstrate it to you in person."
After a little cajoling, they brought Mr. Ford outside and asked him to enter a black car that
was parked in front of the building.
Norman Greenberg, the middle brother, opened the door of the car. "Please step inside, Mr.
Ford."
"What!" shouted the tycoon, "are you crazy? It must be one hundred degrees in that car!"
"It is," smiled the youngest brother, Max, "but sit down, Mr. Ford, and push the white button."
Intrigued, Ford pushed the button. All of a sudden a whoosh of freezing air started blowing
from vents all around the car, and within seconds the automobile was not only comfortable, it
was quite cool!
"This is amazing!" exclaimed Ford. "How much do you want for the patent?"
Norman spoke up. "The price is one million dollars." Then he paused, "And there is something
else. We want the name 'Greenberg Brothers Air Conditioning to be stamped right next to the
Ford logo."
"Money is no problem," retorted Ford, "but no way will I have a Jewish name next to my logo
on my cars!"
They haggled back and forth for a while and finally they settled. One and one half million
dollars, and the name Greenberg would be left off.
However, the first names of the Greenberg brothers would be forever emblazoned
upon the console of every Ford air conditioning system.
And that is why today, whenever you enter a Ford vehicle you will see those three names
clearly defined on the air-conditioning control panel:
HI
NORM
MAX

*************************************************************

ANGELS

Two traveling angels stopped to spend the night in the home of a wealthy family.
The family was rude and refused to let the angels stay in the mansion's guestroom. Instead the
angels were given a space in the cold basement.
As they made their bed on the hard floor, the older angel saw a hole in the wall and repaired it.
When the younger angel asked why, the older angel replied..."Things aren't always what they
seem".
The next night, the pair came to rest at the house of a very poor, but very hospitable farmer
and his wife. After sharing what little food they had, the couple let the angels sleep in their bed
where they could have a good night's rest.
When the sun came up the next morning, the angels found the farmer and his wife in tears.
Their only cow, whose milk had been their sole income, lay dead in the field.
The younger angel was infuriated and asked the older angel "how could you have let this
happen!? The first man had everything, yet you helped him," she accused. "The second family
had little but was willing to share everything, and you let their cow die."
Things aren't always what they seem," the older angel replied. "When we stayed in the
basement of the mansion, I noticed there was gold stored in that hole in the wall. Since the
owner was so obsessed with greed and unwilling to share his good fortune, I sealed the wall so
he wouldn't find it. Then last night as we slept in the farmers bed, the angel of death came for
his wife. I gave her the cow instead. Things aren't always what they seem."
Sometimes this is exactly what happens when things don't turn out the way they should. If you
have faith, you just need to trust that every outcome is always to your advantage. You may
not know it until some time later.
Think about this: Should you find it hard to get to sleep tonight; just remember the homeless,
should you find yourself stuck in traffic; don't despair. There are people in this world for
whom driving is an unheard of privilege.
Should you have a bad day at work; think of the man who has been out of work for the last
three months.
Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; think of the person who has never known
what it's like to love and be loved in return.
Should you grieve the passing of another weekend; think of the woman in dire straits, working
twelve hours a day, seven days a week, for $15.00 to feed her family.
Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance; think
of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk.
Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror; think of the cancer patient in chemo who
wishes she had hair to examine.
Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking, "what is my
purpose"; Be thankful, there are those who didn't live long enough to get the opportunity.
Should you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness, ignorance, smallness or
insecurities; Remember, things could be worse. You could be them!!!
Should you decide to send this to a friend; you might brighten someone's day!

*************************************************************

A new IRS auditor, anxious to make a name for himself decided to review the tax returns of
the local synagogue. He proceeded to interrogate the Rabbi, asking him what the synagogue
did with the wax drippings from the Shabbat, havdallah and Chanukah candles.
The rabbi, pleased to show the auditor that nothing went to waste responded that the used wax
is collected and sent to a candle factory and they send the shul new candles.
"What about the crumbs from the matzah you eat at Passover?" asked the auditor.
"Simple," the rabbi responded. "We collect all the crumbs, send them to the matzah bakery
and they send us matzah meal."
"All right" said the auditor, refusing to give up. "I know that you are a Mohel as well as a
Rabbi. What do you do with the leftovers from the circumcisions?"
"Easy" said the rabbi. "We send them to Washington, DC and they send us you!"
*************************************************************

Comprehending Engineers-Take One

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get
such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business
when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all
her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; The clothes probably wouldn't have
fit."

Comprehending Engineers-Take Two

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with
the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring
relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found
there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are
spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the plant and get some work done."

Comprehending Engineers-Take Three

What's the difference between Engineers and Architects?
Electrical Engineers build weapons, Architects build targets.
Comprehending Engineers-Take Four

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer,
the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Comprehending Engineers-Take Five

"A Boy and His Frog"
A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll
turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If
you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you
and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay
with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The boy said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is
cool."

Comprehending Engineers-Take Six

Not all engineers are stereotypes.

*************************************************************

Sometimes we miss the obvious...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of
wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies
and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically,
I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God
is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will
have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you dunderhead. Someone has stolen
our tent."

*************************************************************

Lion Tamer

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good
looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate
my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment; chair, whip
and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into
the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way
there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He
continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my
life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"
The young man replies. "No problem, just get that lion out of there.”

*************************************************************

NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating
table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it.
God says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.
Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction,
breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair
color.
She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it.
She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up
to the hospital.
She arrives in front of God and asks. "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years."
God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you.”

*************************************************************

The College Student

A young man goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly
squandered what money his parents gave him.
"Hmmmm," he wonders, "How am I gonna get more dough?"
Then he gets an idea. He calls his father. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that
modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach
Fido how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."
So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money
runs out. The boy calls his father again.
"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've
had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the
animals to READ!"
"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." And his father sends the money.
At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out
that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is
all excited.
"Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning when I got out of the shower,
Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he
usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, “So, is your daddy still messin around with that
little redhead who lives on Oak Street?”
The father says, "Oh, shit; I hope you SHOT that lyin' son of a bitch!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
“That’s my boy!”
*************************************************************

We'll get to know each other better as we go along...

A man met a beautiful woman and decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon at a
very nice resort.
One morning, as they were lying by the pool, he got up from his deck chair, threw off his
towel, climbed up to the 10-meter board, and did a two-and-a-half tuck gainer. This was
followed by a three-rotation jackknife, where he straightened out, and cut the water with
barely a ripple.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. She said, "That
was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about
ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps, she climbed
back out and lay down on her towel, hardly out of breath.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No," she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal.",

*************************************************************

Thinking on Your Feet
There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked
to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but
the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he
would go ask his manager about the matter.
The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some jerk out there who wants to buy
only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man
standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half...
The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the
boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lotof trouble earlier, but I must say I was
impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that
around here. Where are you from son?"
The boy replied, "Canada sir."
"Oh really? Why did you leave Canada?" asked the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just
whores and hockey players up there."
"Really," replied the manager, "My wife is from Canada!!"
The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?”

*************************************************************

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed
north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if
they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm
recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my
house."
"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll
be gone at first light.
The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way and enjoyed a great
weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few
minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive
widow he met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked: "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow
from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north."
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with
her?"
"Yes," he said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy, I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"No need to apologize, Bob. She just died and left me everything!
AND YOU THOUGHT THE ENDING WOULD BE DIFFERENT, DIDN'T YOU?????

*************************************************************

Note: This is an exact replication of an National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a
female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout
Troop visiting his military installation.
INTERVIEWER: " So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young
boys when they visit your base" ?
GENERAL REINWALD: 'We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and
shooting ".....
INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it..."?
GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle
range".....
INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching
children "....?
GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see how, ....we will be teaching them proper rifle range
discipline before they even touch a firearm".....
INTERVIEWER: " But you're equipping them to become violent killers".....
GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are
you "....?
The radio went silent and the interview ended --------

*************************************************************

The hot shot executive goes out and buys a Ferrari GTO. It is the best and most expensive car
in the whole world, costing about $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and while stopping it for
a red light, an old man on a Moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car 'ya got
there, sonny?"
The executive replies, "A Ferrari GTO. They cost about a half million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!", states the cool guy proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure," replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around then leans back on his Moped
and comments, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
Just then, the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do.
He floors it, gets on Interstate 66, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!
He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhhh!
Something whips by him, going much faster "What on earth could be going faster than my
Ferrari?" the young man ask himself.
Then ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whooooooosh! It goes by again,
heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the Moped. "Couldn't
be," thinks the guy. "How could a Moped outrun a Ferrari?"
Again, he sees the dot in his rear view mirror, getting bigger!   Whooooooosh!
Ka-BbblaMMM!
It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.
The executive jumps out, and it IS the old man! Of course, the Moped and the old man are
hurting' bad. He runs up to the old man and says, "Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for
you?"
The old man moans and replies, "Yes..... Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!"

*************************************************************

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City Building, when a young
and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume.
She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"
Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns
to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the
elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and
farts and says ... "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound."

*************************************************************

A Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub. They proceeded to each buy a
pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in
each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing
had happened.
The Irishman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started
yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"

*************************************************************

Warning: Blond Joke
A blonde walks up to a Coke machine in a Las Vegas casino, puts in a few coins, and out
pops a Coke. She puts some more coins into the machine, another can of soda pops out. She
keeps putting in coins, and cans of soda keep coming out.
A guy walks up behind her and says, "Can I please use the machine?"
"Get Away!" she says. "Can't you see I'm winning?"
*************************************************************

Medical Humor

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and
everything inside is numbered."
The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and
everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is
color-coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless spineless, gutless, and
their heads and their asses are interchangeable."

*************************************************************

School Daze

It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her
pupils.
The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what
it is.
Some flowers." "That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?"
"Oh, just a wild guess," she said.
The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead,
shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."
"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.
"Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package
overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it
to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with some excitement.
The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it
champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with more excitement.
The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"
With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

*************************************************************

A college professor had just finished explaining how important it was that a research project be
turned in on time. He said there were only two acceptable excuses for late projects :
1)   A certifiable medical excuse.
2)   A death in the student's immediate family.
A smart ass student raised his hand and asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"
As expected, this caused an explosion of laughter. After the class had settled down, the
professor froze the student with a glaring look and said, "Well, in that case, I guess you would
just have to learn how to write with your other hand."

*************************************************************

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist....

Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the
windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the
strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshield of their new
high speed trains.
Arrangements were made to borrow the gun.
But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the
barrel, crashed into the shatter proof shield which smashed into smithereens, crashed through
the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back
wall of the cabin.
Horrified, the British sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the
designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.
NASA's response was just one sentence: "Thaw the chicken before you fire it."

*************************************************************

A PRAYER FOR THE STRESSED:
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
The courage to change the things I cannot accept.
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me
off, and also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the
ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.
Help me to always give 100% at work ...12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40%
on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday, 5% on Fridays, and help me to remember....
When I'm having a really bad day, and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, that it
takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me!

*************************************************************

THE CHICKEN

Why did the chicken cross the road???
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken
crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou
shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road and there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
L.A. POLICE DEPARTMENT: Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out.
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross
the road. I don't know any chickens. I have never known any chickens.
DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken
crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross
roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that
the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX: It was an historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in
dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens
have to cross before you believe it?
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of
crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your
underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released Chicken Coop 98, which will not only cross roads, but will
lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book - and explorer is an
inextricable part of the operating system.
EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by
Chicken? Could you define chicken please?

*************************************************************

A State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in
his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp.
"This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and takes it home with him.
While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes.
"I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!"
He gets his Pepsi and drinks it.
Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island
where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside."
Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully.
He tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again."
POOF! He's back in his government office.

*************************************************************

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem.
A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was
fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror, leaving dozens
of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained
that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the
mirrors every day. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the
custodian to clean one of the mirrors.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

*************************************************************

George Carlin offers some things to think about in your spare time:
1. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
2. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
3. How is it possible to have a civil war?
4. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
5. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
6. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
7. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
9. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
10. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
11. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
12. Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?
13. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the
whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?
14. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
15. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and
apes?
16. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
17. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said
if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
18. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
19. Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
20. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
21. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

*************************************************************

A GREAT GOLF JOKE.

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to
where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.
He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was
playing.
She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th
hole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf cart.
On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request.
She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole."
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the
clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if
he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales
lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I
understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?"
She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."
"No, I won't."
"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I sell Tampax."
With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said, "See I knew you would laugh"
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole
behind you!”

*************************************************************

BIBLICAL HUMOR!

A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is going
down the drain. He is seriously contemplating suicide and he doesn't know what to do.
He goes to the Rabbi to seek his advice. He tells the Rabbi about all of his problems in the
business and asks the Rabbi what he should do.
The Rabbi says "Take a beach chair and a Bible and put them in your car and drive down to
the edge of the ocean. Go to the water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it
and take the Bible out and open it up. The wind will riffle the pages for a while and eventually
the Bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the first words your eyes fall on and they
will tell you what to do."
The man does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a   Bible in his car and drives down
to the beach. He sits on the chair at the water's edge and opens the bible. The wind riffles the
pages of the Bible and then stops at a particular page. He looks down at the Bible and his eyes
fall on words which tell him what he has to do.
Three months later the man and his family come back to see the Rabbi. The man is wearing a
$1,000 Italian suit, the wife is all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child is
dressed in beautiful silk. The man hands the Rabbi a thick envelope full of money and tells
him that he wants to donate this money to the synagogue in order to thank the Rabbi for his
wonderful advice.
The Rabbi is delighted. He recognizes the man and asks him what words in the Bible brought
this good fortune to him.
The man replies: "Chapter 11"

*************************************************************

Nurse Nancy

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy.
"She's incredibly mixed up," said one doctor. "She does everything absolutely backwards."
"Just last week I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours. She gave
him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!"
The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an
enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near
exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" said the
first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

*************************************************************

A Rookie Police Officer

A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call
came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.
The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie
rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner."
No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner!"
Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction.
Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how
did I do?"
"Pretty good," replied the veteran, "especially since that was a bus stop."

*************************************************************

The Eulogy

A young woman married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She soon married again and
had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more
children. Alas, she finally croaked.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking him for this loving
woman who fulfilled his commandment to "Go forth and multiply." In his final eulogy, he
noted, "Thank you Lord, they're finally together."
Leaning over to his neighbor, one mourner asked... "Do you think he means her first, second
or third husband?"
The other mourner then replied... "I think he means her legs."

*************************************************************

Secret to a Happy Marriage

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long
been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their
long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the lady. "We visited the Grand Canyon
and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when
my husband's mule stumbled. My husband quietly said 'That's once.' We proceeded a little
farther when the mule stumbled again.
Once more my husband quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule
stumbled a third time. My husband promptly removed a revolver from his pocket and shot
him. I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said,
'That's once.'"

*************************************************************

The president of Chase Manhattan Bank decides he should take a vacation/business trip. Since
the president has heard how much fun Taipei is, he decides to visit the offices there. He books
two tickets, one for him and one for his secretary.
After his arrival in Taipei, the president receives an urgent message from headquarters that the
richest man in Taiwan wants to put all his money into a Chase Manhattan account. Since the
account would be quite substantial, the president decides to meet personally with the man.
The next day, the president and his secretary go to meet the Taiwanese at an exclusive
restaurant. Throughout the dinner, the president tries to bring up the subject of opening the
new account but the prospective client only seems interested in the president's secretary.
After dinner, the businessman asks the secretary to spend the rest of the evening seeing the
sights in Taipei with him. Not wishing to offend the prospective client, the president orders his
secretary to go ahead but tells her that she must be diplomatic and under no circumstances is
she to insult the man by rejecting him outright.
After going to a dance club for a few hours, the businessman takes the secretary aside. As he
holds her hand and looks her straight into her eyes, he tells her that he loves her. Then, he gets
on his knees and asks her to marry him.
Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her.
Don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from
wanting to marry her.
So, after a few minutes, the woman says: "I will only marry you under three conditions.
First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75 carat diamond ring, with a matching 200 carat
diamond tiara."
The Taiwanese man pauses for awhile then, with a nod of his head, answers: "No problem!! I
buy. I buy."
Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says, "My second condition is a 100
room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the
Gironde in France."
The man pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone, calls some brokers in New York,
then he calls some real estate agents in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and
says, "Okay, okay. I build, I build."
Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a
good one. She takes her time to think and finally, she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition.
She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like to have sex, I want
the man I marry to have a 12-inch penis."
The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face in his hands and rests his elbows on the table.
All the while, he's muttering something in Chinese.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his head, looking real sad, says to the
woman, "OK. I cut. I cut."

*************************************************************

Good Samaritan

A man is sound asleep in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls
over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed
at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man
standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost, it's half-past three. I was in bed." says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.
Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from
the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would
have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"
"But the guy was drunk." says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs your help, and it would be the Christian thing to
help him."
So the husband crawls out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door,
and not being able to see the stranger, yells out, "Hey, do you still want a push??"
He hears a voice cry out, "Yeah... please."
Still unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies: "I'm over here...on your swing."

*************************************************************

Male's Beer Fear

Yesterday, a scientist from the USDA suggested that men should take a look at their beer
consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female
hormones in beer.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men
were fed six pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight,
required frequent visits to the bathroom, talked excessively without making sense, became
overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to
apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.

*************************************************************

Strong Young Man

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a
feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker had, had enough. "Why don't you put your money
where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a
wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the young guy replied.
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then he turned to the
young man and said, "Alright. Get in."

*************************************************************

Screw

It's the early 60's and she is upstairs preparing her hair in one of those big hair do's.
He comes to pick her up and meanwhile her father has the Serious Talk with him.
"What do you plan to do with my daughter?"
"Well, sir, I like to take her out to eat and afterwards watch a movie at the drive-in. All very
nice. You don't have to worry sir I come from a well raised family."
"Movie? You kids should screw!"
The guy hardly believes his ears.
"uh.... scre, sir?"
"Yes! My daughter likes to screw. Like? She *loves* to! If we would let her she would screw
all night.... No, you kids go out and screw."
She comes down the stairs, hair all done, looking pretty and he - he can't believe his luck.
They leave the house.
Hour-and-a-half later the front door slams and the daughter steps angrily into the living room to
her father she says;
"Twist, daddy - it's called the Twist!"

*************************************************************

The Parrot and the Magician

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different
each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to
understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the
middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat"
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank.
The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of
course.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day and another and another.
After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

*************************************************************

The Butcher

A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away.
Later, he notices the dog is back again.
He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the
note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."
The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth there is a ten dollar bill. So the
butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.
The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and
follow the dog. So, off he goes.
The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing.
The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button.
Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. It does, and he walks across
the road, with the butcher following.
The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable.
The butcher is in awe at this stage.
The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.
Along comes a bus.
The dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on.
The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.
The bus travels through town and out to the suburbs.
Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes
the button to stop the bus.
The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following.
They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house.
He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step.
Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the
door.
He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door
again!
There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow
wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden.
He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the
wall, and waits at the door.
The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling
at him.
The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius.
He could be on TV!"
To which the guy responds, "Clever, my eye! This is the second time this week he's forgotten
his key!"

*************************************************************

LUCKY FROG
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, “Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong.
He puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked.
He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.
You must be a lucky frog, eh?
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" The man asks.
"Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.
By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK
where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas.”
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.
Boom!
Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this
money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.
With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God.”

*************************************************************

UNIONS

A very dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention in LasVegas and
decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is
this a union house?"
"No," she replied, "I'm sorry, it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80.00 and the girls get $20.00."
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a
more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a
brothel where the Madam responded, "Why, yes sir, this IS a Union House."
The man asked, "And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20.00."
"That's more like it!" the Teamster said. He handed the Madam $100.00, looked around the
room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam, then gesturing to a wrinkled, 85 year old woman in
the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority..."

My books are available from me at <herbst@fairpoint.net> price and shipping charges on request. I
can't make a set price as shipping cost and printing prices vary from week to week.
Unless instructed otherwise this book will be sent out Via Priority Mail. There is no return policy, all
sales are final. No book will be shipped without cash in hand. You may also find my books at:
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