THE MOUNT PERRY CHRONICLES
STORIES ABOUT LIFE IN MOUNT PERRY FLORIDA
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Here MOUNT PERRY Rises Majestically In Back Of
LAKE MOUNT PERRY.
This Picture Has Been Cheerfully Donated By The
SKY MOUNT PERRY, FLORIDA, FOUNDATION
The town of Mount Perry, Florida is located about 50 miles South East of the State
Capitol, Tallahassee, Florida. It is located along the West Coast of Florida near the
Big Bend area. This is the part of Florida which bends from a North/South direction
to an East/West direction. Mount Perry is situated in almost the exact center of
Swamp County.
Mount Perry’s single most striking feature is our beloved majestic, snow-capped
mountain. Mount Perry, rises to staggering heights from the center of our beloved
town. The peak of Mount Perry is so high it is capped with snow and ice the year
around. It’s jagged, grey cliffs dominate the swamp-scape for many miles in any
direction.
This is what it looks like from the front window of our shop. In the foreground is
the ever beautiful, Lake Mount Perry. Unfortunately the 3,000 foot, Mount Perry
Falls feeding the lake and the giant Mount Perry Hydro Electric Companies Dam
and Generating Station with it’s world famous fish ladder to help the Mount Perry
Highland Schlonk migrate to their breeding grounds, can’t be seen from this angle.
Note the lush, sun drenched vegetation which lines the shores of our beautiful lake.
Swimming, however, is not recommended because of the great number of alligators
which bask contentedly along the shored nestled comfortably in their nests enjoying
the warm Mount Perry, Florida, weather.
Skiing is a major sporting pass-time here in Mount Perry, because of the easy access
to the frozen snow cap of our beloved mountain.
There are only five major roads which service Mount Perry. This is because Mount
Perry is located, just about, dead center of a huge morose swamp which stretches
out for about fifteen miles in any direction, from the mountain in the center of the
town. The roads are Rout 27, Route 27(alt), Route 19, Route 98 and Route 221 are
the only roads which service the Town of Mount Perry.
There are lots of smaller roads but these are usually logging roads and, although they
penetrate deep into the swamp, they don’t go anywhere. In most cases the vehicle
used to make the road lies submerged in the mud at the end of the roads. In driving
through Mount Perry, you will see there are a great many brand new road building
machines but hardly ever will you find a used one.
In this huge morose swamp there lives a great number of huge hungry alligators.
Lots of very poisonous snakes of all types. A great variety and number of large,
hairy, poisonous spiders (Please bare in mind I hate all spiders equally. To me every
spider is huge, black, poisonous and hairy, no matter what size or color they are.).
There are also multitudes of extremely hungry carnivorous insects. On closer
examination one might even find a wild Indian or two.
The Seminole Indians were the last Indian tribe to sign a peace treaty with the
United States. The treaty between the Seminole Indians and the United States was
only signed a few dozen years ago. It is rumored, news of this treaty has yet to be
delivered to some of the Indians, who live in the swamps around Mount Perry.
Just within the last few years, the good people of Mount Perry, Florida, laid claim to
their very own Skunk Monster. The monster is said to lurk in the swamps near the
thriving metropolis of Shadyhaven, Florida. Shadyhaven is the next major city to
Mount Perry on the way North on State Route 221. Shadyhaven straddles the
intersection of State Route 221 and County Route 14.
Only a few people have actually seen the Monster. Most of those people have since
moved away from Mount Perry or have been hospitalized and are receiving good
care at the Mount Perry Mental Health Facility, Monster Sighting Wing, Nonviolent
Ward. Our very own Semore Monsters is still looking for the monster but he
maintains his, white clad ward orderly, escorts keep scaring it away.
From the few reports which did make it into the newspaper, the monster is about
eight feet tall, dark red in color, covered with thick course hair, has the unpleasant
odor of a skunk and eyes which shine bright red in the light of a flashlight. It is said
to roam the swamps at night and have the ability to move over and through the
swamp without making a sound.
At the rapidly growing town of Creepon Beach there have been reported sightings of
the “Budmonster”. If the reports are true, the Budmonster was formed when a stray
bolt of lightning struck the water near the point where the Creepon Beach Boat
Channel meets the deep water of the Gulf of Mexico.
Years of accumulated beer cans had piled up there, mixed with the primordial ooze
and mud which seeps continually from the surrounding swamps and become
saturated with salt water from the Gulf of Mexico. As the predominance of the cans
were previously filled with Budschmeiser Beer, the name Budmonster seemed
appropriate.
It is assumed the lightning gave life to the amalgam of aluminum cans, swamp ooze,
mud and salt water. The process seems to follow the theory of how life first evolved
on this planet. According to our very own electrical geniuses, Dr. Hi Voltage, Dr.
Mega Watt and Dr. Eye Shockum, when the lightning struck the amalgam it formed
a single nucellus in the center of the mass. The mass is now functioning like a huge
single celled amoeba.
Sightings of the Budmonster have reveled the thing is quite large and can change its
shape at will. It consumes all organic matter it contacts. It simply rises up out of the
water and falls on its prey, absorbing it completely. As there are no partial remains
to point to, there is absolutely no physical evidence the monster actually exists.
According to the only eyewitness report, Mr. Semore Monsters, the Mount Perry
town monster watcher, maintains; on at least one occasion, he has seen the monster
himself. According to Mr. Monsters, the monster was some fifty feet long and rose
up out of the water about twenty feet and fell on his fishing boat. He says, it was
dark grey in color, dotted with metallic particles and smelled something like the floor
sweepings from a two day long beer party. Oddly enough, Mr. Monsters swears he
doesn’t drink at all. It kind of makes one wonder why he’s so familiar with the smell
of a two day long beer party?
Although no one else has ever actually seen the monster, reports of it’s existence
must be taken somewhat seriously. This is the only way to account for the reduction
of the Mullet population in and around the Creepon Beach Area. This reduction in
population has led to regulation of the fishing of Mullet in the area. According to an
assertion by the Fish and Game Commission, the area had been over fished. This
statement has been categorically deigned by local fishermen.
In an effort to resolve the issue, Mr. I. Katchum has been engaged to find and
capture the Budmonster by area fishermen. After speaking to Yodar on several
occasions, Mr. Katchum can only shake his head, point out into the Gulf of Mexico
and say, it’s out there somewhere. When asked just how he intends to capture the
beast he simply shrugs his shoulders and states, “I Dun’no! Maybe a net or some
thing.”
The town of Mount Perry itself is famous, the world over, for having Florida’s only
extinct, active volcano. The volcano is located just about dead center of the town.
The town is built around the base of the volcano because it’s the only high ground
for fifteen miles in any direction. Worries about the extinct volcano coming to life
again have been alleviated by the fact Mount Perry hasn’t even trembled in many
years.
The dormancy of the Mountain has further been assured by the fact the Swamp
County Court House has been built right on the rim of the crater at the very top of
the mountain. Of course there is some concern about one fact. The Swamp County
has not needed to spend a nickel on heating the building. Heat rising from the
Magma pool at the bottom of the crater keeps the building nice and warm the whole
year round.
People come here from all over the world to ski down the snow shrouded slopes of
Mount Perry in both the Winter and Summer seasons. Although Mount Perry lacks
a mechanical chair lift and the skiers must walk up the slopes, a ramp has been
provided a so even wheelchair bound people can make use of the slopes.
In the case of the wheelchair bound person, there are attendants at the top of the
mountain to assist them. Their wheel chair is bound to two skies and the person is
strapped tightly to the chair.
Then the person and wheelchair are pushed off the top of the mountain, on an
unobstructed slope which runs straight down the mountain to a large stone wall
owned by the owner of our local hospital, Mr. I. Stopum Cold. Most of these
intrepid skiers never leave Mount Perry without at least one visit to his Hospital.
In an effort to promote Mount Perry as a vacation spot, Mr. Cold has graciously
agreed to pay the salaries of the attendants at the top of Mount Perry. He also sells
“T” shirts with a picture of our beloved mountain and the words, “Ski Mount Perry,
Florida” emblazoned across the front.
Many rock climbers also come to Mount Perry to scale the various sheer rock cliff
faces. Here again the tops of our cliffs are continuously patrolled by attendants,
provided by Mr. Cold. They are instructed to prevent climbers from littering the
pristine rock faces with their unsightly ropes and hooks. There is absolutely no
danger of this type of litter getting in the way of other climbers.
Unfortunately, these worthy souls are sometimes a little too efficient in the
performance of their jobs. They have been known to detach the ropes and hooks
while climbers are still attached to them.
Our Hospital is known the world over as the home of the world famous surgeon, Dr.
Hesa Hacksitup. Dr. Hacksitup was the first person to, successfully, complete an
operation which grafted the front part of an Alligator to the back part of a Crocodile.
Unfortunately, sometime during the operation, the lights went out. Although Dr.
Hacksitup continued the operation in complete darkness, he was unable to tell which
end of what he was sewing together.
Some time during the operation, or just after it’s completion, the power outage
caused the anesthetic metering device to shut off. The creature revived itself and
escaped into the swamp in the dark. No one has seen it since this time.
Although it is known his creation still lives today, and prowls the swamps near
Mount Perry, there are no official reports of sightings of the thing. No one can make
out a report because they don’t know whether to call it an “Allidile” or a
“Crocagator”. Once again fame and fortune has been snatched from the grasp of
another Mount Perry resident by the fickle fingers of Fate.
Even our intrepid big game hunter Mr. I. Katchum has failed in every attempt at
finding the creation. After spending over a month, isolated in the swamps trying to
find the creature, Mr. Katchum staggered back out of the swamp apparently in a
completely inebriated condition.
When asked of his success or failure, he simply stated, “How do you expect me to
catch it, you people can’t even tell me what it’s called! What do you want from me?”
A history of Mount Perry, Florida makes interesting reading. It seem the town was
originally settled by escaped prisoners and deserters from the Confederate Army.
Because of it’s isolated location, no one dared go into the swamps after them.
After the War between the States, the Union Army sent Marshals into Mount Perry
to bring the criminals back out but the Marshals never returned. It is said, in some
quarters, if you walk out in the woods it’s still possible to find skeletons chained to
trees. If you should happen to find something of this nature out in the woods, you
are advised to remain very quiet about it.
Mount Perry is noted the world over, as the first place to commercially produce the
now world famous, Centichicken. This is a chicken created by the world famous Dr.
Gene Splicer. Dr. Splicer was able to splice the genes of a common chicken with the
genes of an African Millipede. He did this in the presents of Hazardous Nuclear
Waste Material and came up with a chicken which has 100 legs.
How else is it, the United States could export such mass quantities of Chicken Legs
and still be able to sell them for $.29 per pound in the local Super Markets. Other
chicken parts sell for a dollar or better per pound.
Unfortunately, so far the Centichicken does not reproduce naturally and must be
cloned. To this end, one Centichicken out of each batch must be ground up in a
special grinder to provide cellular genetic material. This material is then grown in an
enriched Agar-Agar medium until they can be let go in the various chicken houses
around the town.
Unfortunately, the farm where the Centichicken was created is now a wasteland
devoid of any vegetation or animal life, because of the residual radio activity from
the process. Recent reports broadcast in the world wide news, showing a chicken
with four legs indicates at least one Centichicken may have escaped into the nearby
swamps and is now breeding with the wild chickens around Mount Perry.
On a brighter note, sand from this area has been mixed with concrete and used in
the building of most of the structures within the Mount Perry City Limits. Now,
there is no need for street lighting as the glow from these buildings is quite sufficient
to illuminate the streets of the town at night. A great savings to the Mount Perry tax
payer.
Mount Perry is also famous for it’s kindness to the Feline population around town. I
have, in my travels, had many homes pointed out to me as being places where stray
cats could live unmolested.
These homes are usually staffed by ladies who seem have little else to do. The local
folks, here in town, refer to them as “Cat Houses”.
It must be a rather large organization which runs this effort, because I have noticed
every town seems to have at least one Cat House in it. Unfortunately for our feline
friends, these Cat Houses are not very well advertized. Stray cats don’t seem to be
able to find the places.
Just like any other town, Mount Perry has it’s own resident town idiot. Yodar
Hoopelhoffer is a well meaning young man but in talking to him it is quickly realized,
he’s not playing with a full deck.
His deep blue eyes shine with an emptiness that begs to be filled with something,
knowledge of any kind. Although he’s a strong nice looking young fellow, he just
has a gift for doing things wrong.
Actually, if it wasn’t for Yodar Hoopelhoffer, things would be kind of dull here in
Mount Perry.